As some of my followers know, I have a person close to me who struggles with addiction issues and have had others in the past who also have struggled.  There have been addiction free times as well as horribly complex addict-ridden behavior times over the years.  I’ve tried to take the good times and stretch them out, to appreciate them and hope that they last…  The bad times where the substance of choice takes over for my loved one are dark, dreary and many times filled with feelings of despair without hope.  The struggle for recovery has to begin again for that person as I watch them with a breaking heart.

Riding the roller coaster of co-dependency isn’t a fun amusement center ride.  I struggle to find balance in my life.  I have been through so many co-dependency learning experiences, attended so many friends and family groups, read so many books about the issues of addiction, and spend so much time on self-management training.  I do not beg, nag, plead, and am pretty good at not self medicating with food or another substance.  I try to set my boundaries so that I am not a co-dependent.  Sometimes, of course, slipping occurs but most of the time I am a pretty strong person, concentrating on my own life and needs.

Thirty five years ago I decided to attend Alanon and did so for twelve years. Then I felt I was finished with that group but not with my lifelong learning on the subject.   I have a lot of little daily reading books but now I am down to reading only “Daily Word” a small soft cover magazine book that contains two months of one day at a time thoughts, affirmations, and meditations.  The subscription to this magazine was originally given to me by my God-Mother, Joyce Kronstedt, who passed almost ten years ago.  She saw me struggling with co-dependency issues and sent me a subscription.  I have now been reading this book every day since 1992.  Although  I believe it is written with the view of an addicted person in mind, I have grown and learned from the daily readings in this little book.  I am always open to new ideas for growing and coping with surviving an addict in your life (although very heartsick of having to do so).  I would like this to disappear from my life but it appears in your life – it’s never going to leave your life.

With a view toward this reality, last night I attended a combined Friends and Family and Addict Support Group sponsored by SMART Recovery.  This is basically, and was started I believe, for the addict and is a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy process.  Unlike the Hazelton and 12 step programs it teaches a scientific and rational approach to addiction recovery.  I don’t know when they added the Friends and Family piece but they did and I became aware of the meeting and decided to see what it was all about.

In all the Friends and Family groups I have attended over the past 46 years (yes I did say 46 years), I have never been involved and in attendance at a meeting where all Friends, Family and the Addicts were present and discussing the issues as equals in a respectful manner. There was no shaming words or behavior on anyones part.  They celebrated small victories and sought advice for struggles and answers for baffling behavior.

It was rather the same as many support groups in some ways and terribly different in others.  Very respectful about privacy … only first names (or false first names) and last initials used.  Introductions included name, identification of your status (addict or family/friend), drug of choice for the addict and whether or not time was needed to discuss successes or struggles or questions.  As I listened to these individuals I was awed by their sense of self, their words, their confusions and willingness to take blame (whether or not justified) and as they told their stories, the grace they gave to those involved (their family and friends).  Yes, its easy to say well they should; but, the fact that they did showed just how well they are doing in recovery.  People in recovery are awesome.  They begin to have a sense of self and yet are humble and kind.  I think the last thing that leaves them is their sense of inferiority, which no one should have at all.  We are all, each and every one of us, unique and special in our own way.  We are all equals in this journey of life which isn’t easy for anyone.

One of my ah-ha moments last night was to see the anger of one of the women there when she talked about how angry she was that her mother offered to drive her to the meeting.  That made me cry as a mother.  I still need to process that thought.

Well, I’ve shared this simply because I felt called to do so… nothing really about art in these paragraphs only that I have a feeling that this last experience which had a profound influence on me (or experiences when I go back and I will go back) is going to make my painting much stronger because of the realizations and what I am feeling and processing.   Hope my words bring peace to someone who reads this post. I am in a good place and wanting to share my awe about this experience… no response or comments or support are needed.  Just wanted to sort through my feelings and thoughts with words.