What do you say when you lose something so precious, valuable, special and close to you that you can’t think or breathe… Last Monday, my Bailey, my furry child and closest companion walked into the light and on into Heaven. My heart broke in two and suddenly there I was all alone without my other half. I cried constantly, and I was devastated. I felt his spirit all around me and I know he is sleeping in my heart, but damn… I am so completely sad and wiped out and feeling like life won’t ever be the same. i know… I’m making this all about me. I know… he is happy, without pain and healthy again, running around and rolling in Heaven’s fluffy grass. But this missing and grieving thing breaks you into a million little pieces and really sucks!

I am so lucky to have had him for the time I did. I didn’t want a dog when Dean brought him home, I was so focused on finishing my degree. And then he arrived and crept into my heart and home and wow, he became a part of me. That dog… that dog… was the most loving, kind, amazing furry child ever! He made my day, every single day. He gave me so much love and care and protection. I can’t believe how much I loved him and he truly loved me back.

He was such a gift!

That last day we walked early in the morning as always. He was excited to walk and jumped up and down as usual as I put on my boots, got my sweatshirt and headed out picking up his leash as we left. He scooped his head down and into the loop of his walking collar, not to be confused with his regular collar which he never wanted me to take off of him. We did our regular walk but he did not walk ahead as usual but instead next to me and three times he stopped and looked up at me. That always meant he wanted a hug and I would lean down and put my arms around him kind of loose but definitely a hug and kiss him on his little furry pointy head, so velvety soft. He jumped up and touched noses with me and then again, jumped and touched his nose to my cheek.

I hardly ever am away from him but I had a physical therapy appointment so Dean, my husband came home and let him out and fed him his lunch. When I got home, he was laying in his kennel and didn’t want to come out. I called Dean and he said don’t worry, he’s fine he was out rolling in the grass at lunch time when he was home. Bailey finally stood and came out and walked about 15 steps and then his legs just gave out he went down. I was so upset and sat down by him and then he tried again and again he fell, legs all twisted. I straightened his legs and his head and laid down by him and called Dean and called our Vet and the Vet said it sounded like Bailey had a heart attack. Dean said a stroke because he was paralyzed and only could move his head a little bit. Dean came home after I called and called him and he called me and “how was Bailey doing?” And I just lay down by him and rubbed his head and kept saying I loved him and he would be okay and I remember saying to God, “If this is it take him gently.”

And then Dean came home and our Dear neighbor Chris helped Dean carry him into the car and I sat with Bailey back there and we drove to the Vets and I just kept rubbing his head and talking to him. Our Vet came out to the car and he said his circulation was shutting down and his eyes glazed although he kept looking at me and I held his gaze and kept petting him. And our Dear good Vet Dr. Glenn, gave him a shot and he was gone within seconds, he was just gone and I knew, even without the shot, he would have been gone within minutes.

So my furry baby has gone on to the big house in the sky to watch over me from ahigh. To say he will be dearly missed is an understatement. And this huge loss really really is unbearable and something I can’t control and just have to get through. I hate having no control.

Then two days later my middle school book, “Artie & Luci & the Hidden Lifeforms”, went up for sale on Amazon. And I should have been so very happy after all the work to get it done. But I just felt kind of empty because my best friend, my furry child, wasn’t there to help me celebrate. So… I will get through this and move on and eventually probably get another, but Bailey, sweet Bailey, the world is a lessor place without my Bailey for me right now.